(NOTE: The following column was submitted for publication at SpinnerRack.com July 12, 2001. The editor had some brand of problem with it, and it didn't run. It is printed here, in its unedited glory, for your edification. Oh, and the deal with What's Next went staggeringly sour, a later discussion altogether)

BRRRRRRING!

BRRRRRRING!

"Yeah."

"Fuck you been?"

"Who in the name of Donny Hathaway is cursin' up in my goddamned phone?"

"Ah, just messin' with you, H-Teezy."

"Khalil? Aw, what up, dog?"

"It's Wednesday afternoon, I'm tryin' to get to the comics store. You wanna come?"

"You behind the times, baby boy, I done hit the comics store already."

"Whaaat? How you pull that off?"

"Left the gig around 3:30, motivated on up the 110 and crossfaded into the cipher."

"Damn, so much for givin' me a ride. What you pick up?"

"Do you mean 'what did I buy?' or 'what did I pick up?'"

"My bad, I forget you treat comic stores like the library and shit. Both."

"Lessee, I got a buncha shit you don't read ... Transmet, American Century, Impulse ... got Detective Comics, which you like, of course Black Panther ..."

"Black Panther is out? I'm gonna have to catch the bus, then."

"Yeah, you sure is, since I ain't leavin the house."

"Thought you did a poetry thing on Wednesday nights."

"I do, but I gotta do this damned column for Spinner Rack."

"When's it due?"

"Uh ... about an hour ago."

"Oh. Hold up. Didn't you say you didn't give a shit about that column, that they didn't even call it what you wanted?"

"Yeah, yeah, but Eric is my dog, I agreed I'd do this column for him, so I'm doin' the column. One day he might prove useful, so no need to piss him off."

"Whatever. I'd tell him to take that column, turn it sideways, and shove it up his candy ass! I never even got love for more reviews. Hmph. What else you get and/or pick up?"

"That Legends of the Dark Knight with Joker and Ra's Al Ghul finished, so I grabbed that, Harley Quinn plays Batgirl, Punisher, Powers, Lucifer, JSA, Static Shock ... that's the stuff I bought."

"Uh huh.

"Read all that Our Worlds at War madness in the store, it's aight, but not worth the money. Damned Toyfare was in a bag, so no Twisted Mego Theatre this month. Looked at the X books and laughed ... you know they ... ah, I shouldn't tell you."

"Why not? I need a big old SPOILER WARNING or somethin'?"

"You're a big boy, I guess you can take it. Well, the wild Sentinels blow up Genosha and kill up almost everybody."

"'Almost' everybody?"

"16 million mutants down to 700 in three panels. But it's wack, they don't show much of the killing, and that's where Quietly coulda rocked the party. I bet Emma Frost will be back in garters in no time."

"Ain't that some shit."

"Your boy Nightwing had a pointless Worlds At War crossover, and a rather interesting little standalone issue, but I left it there. Too many books, not enough skrilla."

"Word. Why you think I never got into Thunderbolts with you?"

"Because you're a dumbass."

"Ah, fuck you!"

"Heh. I knew I shouldn't have missed books last week, but now I'll be cool for a minute ... as soon as I finish this damned column."

"You and this column. Hey, those guys who wanna do a comic book with you call back?"

"What's Next Entertainment? Naw, I was messin' around in Long Beach setting up my father in law's new PowerBook and missed 'em. They're gonna call back tonight, which is cool, because they liked the sketches for what I'm gonna do on their website."

"What's the site now, I'll check it out when I get to work."

"Smokecomic.com, I think. I got it bookmarked somewhere, I'll email it to you. Load time is a beyotch."

"Word. You know what kinda comic you're gonna do?"

"I'm gonna do this long form story first, do one for the love of the craft. I can blow up stuff and do the commercial one afterwards, but I really wanna be righteous first and then see what kind of money making comic I can rock. I wanna get twelve issues done and plotted for scripting and art, so I can rock like a big twelve issue TPB every six months."

"I wish you'd lemme help ..."

"Fool, first of all you think any comic without costumes is stupid, and second when we tried to work on one simple thing, a Green Lantern story, and you couldn't even finish your part."

"You mean we tried to work on it just so you could make a Green Lantern powered Godzilla stomp Tokyo and kill off half the New Guardians from Millenium. You were done once you came up with that. The story had no point."

"That fool Floro was dead. That was the point. Besides, writing Keanu Lantern doesn't exactly take a rocket scientist."

"Yeah, well, somebody else is doin' War Machine, and I ain't seen nobody pushin' your Captain Marvel story either."

"That reminds me ... somebody in the comic book store was startin' one of those 'who can beat who' things with somebody about this cat Imperiex, talkin' about how impressive Imperiex is. I noted the Spectre, the Shazam powered people, and the Sentinels of Magic hadn't checked in ... even though the Sentinels are stuck in that crappy Black Baptism thing ..."

"Why it gotta be a Black baptism? Why not a white baptism?"

"Shut up, Khalil. Oh, hold up ... check this ... some other fool had the nerve to say Howard Mackie was a worse writer than Frank Tieri."

"Hm ... too close to call ..."

"Negro please, Mackie has at some points in his career written some things you wouldn't wipe your ass with. Tieri ... sheesh ... did I tell you he 'responded' to me over Usenet?"

"First you almost make Palmiotti cry, and now Tieri hollerin' back?"

"Palmiotti was not about to cry, you trippin. Anyway, so I ask Jason and Steve, and they both agreed Tieri is way worse than Mackie. Steve started to pull out issues, and it was over."

"What about Ben Raab? Is he worse than Tieri?"

"Somebody else asked me that. I can't remember a word he's written, so I'd have to say no based on my own ignorance ... ah hell ... I'm still on the damned phone with your corny ass, and I gotta finish this column."

"It's a shame you can't just write all our conversations down. That'd be a fly column right there."

"Do I look that lazy? I mean, okay, I phoned in a few columns, but Eric would see right through that shit. I'm not that desperate. Anyway, I'll check you later, go get your Panther fix, holler back when you check it."

"Word. Peace."

"Poof."

CLICK.

Hannibal Tabu is a professional graphic designer, amateur would-be-world-conqueror, and hall of fame asshole. He hangs his virtual hat at www.operative.net, and really is humbled by the good things people are sometimes tricked into saying about his work.