NOTE: As I mentally deconstruct the demise of my marriage, I am publishing a series of short essays about things that happened, the way I felt, and so on. It's intended to illustrate my mental state at the time, and provide a kind of chronicle of my emotional state, hopefully helping me not make the same mistakes in future relationships.

5/19/03 4:30 PM: After beginning the ugly process of accepting the end of my marriage, I ordered a book from Amazon called How to Do Your Own Divorce In California after it'd worked for one of my best friends. However, it was fifty cents short of the free shipping. So I glanced around for another book to add, in order to get the promotional offer. I noticed one of my favorite sci-fi authors, Sharon Shinn, had just released a new book in a series that I enjoyed. So, ignoring the cost, I added Angelica to my list.

It was both a good and a bad idea.

Let me quote a passage from near the end: "I want to be the one who cares for you. I want to be the sweet voice in the dark that answers only to your call. I want to be your place of warmth and safety, your refuge and your home. I want to be the one you think of when every other thought is gone."

This is the sort of committment I want, the one I believed I was marrying into, the one which I asked for and the one I felt I deserved.

Here's another quote from the book: "You looked so carefree and beautiful that I thought the sun and the stars themselves must love you. I wanted to stand inside your joy and let it fill me up, let it glaze me into gold. I wanted to be one of the things that brought happiness to your face." Hearing Yuri talking to somebody else about The Matrix Reloaded or accidentally brushing up against her sublime curves, this is the way I feel, and knowing it's impossible drives me to push-ups and oversleeping. "She was like a drift of summer darkness, scented with herbs and honeysuckle, adorned still with the last affectionate kiss of sunset." Wow.

Let me relate something to you: the best friend who hipped me to the divorce book lost someone very close to him. This happened after several months of bad times with his then-wife. After what he reports was months with only sporadic affection from her, she approached him as he told her of the death and asked if she could be there for him. He told her that he needed to be alone. Seems strange, given he'd been seeking her attention, but it makes more sense if you speak Man (and I do).

This was reinforced for me by something my dear friend Marsha said when we went to lunch (I cannot tell you the blessing that her friendship has been to me in this time) -- after a long day, her husband Omar laid his head in her lap and continually placed her hand on his head. She was tired after many dramatic occurrences from work, and really wasn't in the mood to be comforting. But it was what her husband needed, she told me, so she began petting his head, something that he responded to with great happiness. Marsha tells me that Omar similarly makes sacrifices for her, and that at the base of their relationship she knows that no matter how bad things get, that Omar is her friend and would never consciously choose to hurt her. She now recognizes the trust and love he was trying to express by even being able to act that way towards her. A man needs that affection and physical proximity every day, so he'll be properly primed to accept it times of woe. In western society, men are naturally conditioned to kind of shy away from proximity and intimacy, so if a woman offers it only at the bad times, it'll feel alien and wrong.

When I was reading that passage in Angelica, it hurt me because that kind of devotion I was offering, the kind I so desperately wanted in return. I believe it's what a lotta guys want, at least every guy I know. Well, okay, except for the whorish one, but other than him ...

Anyway, it's just another reminder of how much I've lost.

"The fallen dreams of heaven, but what the hell are you supposed to do when they come true?"