NOTE: As I mentally deconstruct the demise of my marriage, I am publishing a series of short essays about things that happened, the way I felt, and so on. It's intended to illustrate my mental state at the time, and provide a kind of chronicle of my emotional state, hopefully helping me not make the same mistakes in future relationships.

5/13/03 1:05 PM: In the end, "unrealistic expectations" keeps coming up as a concept. When we got married, it seems, I was making a committment to Yuri, and she was making a committment to us. Those are not necessarily the same thing.

I was talking to my "big sister" Marsha about the divorce, and she talked about a point in her marriage where her husband said, "If you can leave that easily, go. Anybody who can leave that easily is clearly not the woman I thought I married." Marsha took offense at this, proclaiming that she was that woman, and they stuck it out, and they made it work.

I'll admit, between my hypercritical attack on many of the things that made her happy to my inability to protect the home enviroment from my rage against the machine, I did many things to push Yuri beyond her self-established boundaries. She told me that she broke vows she made to herself, and was acting like someone she wasn't and didn't want to be.

On the other hand, we stood before God, man and the Proud Bird Restaurant and swore we would "work every day, making sure we can weather any storm" and "with patience and persistence ... create a new language with ... to keep our joys fresh and banish confusion and misunderstanding from our house."

In her vows she said, "know that I am bound to you, deeper than the romance of words, longer than the pleasure of flesh and stronger than any obstacle we may come upon because we are one together."

In my vows, I returned, "Sickness or health, richer or poorer, for better or worse until the day that you are me, and I am you, forever loving you."

Yuri told me we've fulfilled those vows, it just wasn't meant to be us forever. She pointed out a discussion we had on the way she was attracted to me, which I felt was vastly different from the way it was advertised, and she said, "Listen to us -- you're talking about the details and the physical, mundane side, and I'm talking about the big picture. You are me, and I am you."

Now, I disagree with her interpretation, but I respect it. Yuri is a grown ass woman, so her view is as valid as mine.

It still feels wrong. It feels like a cop out for her to say it and for me to accept it, like we're giving up. I still love Yuri, and through her hurt, she says she still has a kind of love for me. Both of us say we don't want this. She, however, has worked hard to convince me she'll never be able to make me happy. She cannot trust me to stick with the re-evaluated priorities I've stated, says they feel "desperate." She cannot lay aside the laundry list of "war crimes" I've committed to dig in. I don't like it, but I respect it.

Still. This is wrong.