9/30/04 2:25 AM: Despite the dillutive effects, for the duration of this blog, I will not directly quote people I discuss. I find this really saps the commentary of some zing (and means more for me to write), but you would be stunned -- stunned, I say -- by how many complaints I get from people when I put down exactly what they say and/or type. I was raised to believe that everything a man does -- from the things he says to the clothes he wears, and so on -- should accurately reflect who he is. So if emails or quotes of mine popped up, I couldn't have any beef with it at all -- even from a decade ago. For the most part, I still agree with virtually everything I can remember myself saying, and I'm so twitchy about emails, those certainly are accurate statements of policy. But judging other people by my own standards has never led me anywhere but directly to disappointment, so bugger the lot of that.

That said, I've become increasinly isolated from people I considered -- and had chosen -- as my family. Some of this is sheerly circumstantial -- people have kids, people get busy, I am busy. That's just a fact of life, and not something that actively bothers me.

But then ... well, there's a married couple I know and (at least until terribly recently) liked a great deal. I've gone to parties at their house, helped paint, and discussed them here. However, all of a sudden they're twitchy about being mentioned here, so for the sake of amusement let's call them Raniel and Kana (which will fool no one who knows us, but I'm not very serious about making it anonymous). Again, I won't quote them (and whoo boy, would the quotes be spicy) but I've been told I'm now persona non grata in their home and basically no longer friends with them.

Somehow, this caused me to laugh out loud for about ten minutes.

It all started when Raniel asked me about talking to a business associate of his. No, that's not exactly right. Raniel very vehemently attacked me and started hurling accusations at me about my motives and behavior about this woman. In subsequent days, he's admitted that was an over-reaction, but offered little by ways of apology and instead used the opportunity to begin criticizing me in virtually every area of my life, finally seconded with a really rude comment by his normally terribly demure wife (which was a shocker ... but in retrospect, probably shouldn't have been).

A part of me wanted to really fire off a lot of personal attacks in response. I mean, the material was there -- from physical insults to attacks on politics to picking at problems with their relatives. But I didn't even have the desire to do so. These are people I loved. Admittedly, these were also people trying to tear me a new one, but that consideration has always been a harder one for me to make when my affection is a primary consideration.

So, in a very rare show of restraint, I took the high road prescribed in The Teachings of Ptahhotep -- "if you meet a disputant in action, one who is your equal, one who is on your level, you will overcome him by being silent while he is speaking evilly." Now, this doesn't work in electoral politics, but from a spiritual perspective, especially in a private forum, there was really no other choice. I still saw Raniel and Kana as equals, as family, as people I cherished. Heck, I still do as of this writing (but my regard is a notoriously quick-to-fade thing once it starts to erode). So instead, I stayed on target, sticking with the original central point or discussing things from a fairly neutral position. I said, "Ah, another personal criticism -- baiting me again? ineffective, mon ami" at one point. "This _is_ educational," I offered at one point. I closed with this: "That's the nicest 'go f' yourself' I've gotten in a while, so I suppose "thank you" is the appropriate response. But since it started with an 'apology can clear this up' situation where none came forth (and please don't offer up that limp bit at the end of your last email as one), I'll just file this under 'instructional' and get back to work."

But I couldn't get back to work. I kept thinking about my problems with my elder brother (let's call him "Sinpu" for fun -- again, not really trying here), I considered the (as Morrissey said) "succession of people saying goodbye" that seem to be my lot. I know I'm not easy to get along with sometimes, but especially in the last year or two, I've really made some deliberate alterations in how I deal with people I do care for, in terms of speaking to them without brusqueness or anger. I consider the words I say. I figure it's only fair, and I have tried to apologize and atone for any past transgressions.

That rarely comes back the other way.

Again, due to my spiritual path, I'm kind of stuck with it. I mean, true, when I see Raniel and Kana at the next, say, family cookout (hell, if I'm even invited to that), I won't have anything to say, and idle conversation is likely to be met with "suck farts out of my @$$" if we're out of earshot of kids, but I don't have any actual antagonism towards them. They're mad, I'm not. I'm finding that as a common thread in my exits from people.

Which leads me to believe that it's not really all me. I mean, I chose to let these people into my life, so I acknowledge the responsibility for them at all, but the partings almost always end the same way. Me -- not mad. Other people -- mad. GIven that the longest and most stable relationship in my whole life has been with anger, it's an amazing and refreshing place to be in my life.

So my only Latin friends no longer wanna be friends with me. It''s just a part of what I've been seeing all around. The people closest to me now are people I didn't know two years ago. Dana, my co-worker and KJ compadre. Sebastian, whose suddenly become a real running buddy, despite living in the wilds of North Hollywood. The confidants of yesteryears -- "brothers" and people from my rites of passage, have all uniformly turned.

And that's strangely okay.

Admittedly, in the words of Tracy Chapman, "sometimes I get lonely." I have to parcel what I talk about with whom, and there's no one person I can trust beyond all others. Which is probably due more to the fact that people are inherently untrustworthy more than anything else. But overall, despite having a really challenging year (on paper, 2004 looks like hell)I'm practically giddy most ofthe time, I'm free to do virtually whatever I want at any old time (which is how I justify putting off work at a million o' clock in the morning).

If yesterday's friends can't be happy with me today ... well, how much were they really "with me" at all?

So let's close with the words of Alanis Morrisette:

that i would be good even if i did nothing
that i would be good even if i got the thumbs down
that i would be good if i got and stayed sick
that i would be good even if i gained ten pounds

that i would be fine even if i went bankrupt
that i would be good if i lost my hair and my youth
that i would be great if i was no longer queen
that i would be grand if i was not all knowing

that i would be loved even when i numb myself
that i would be good even when i'm overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy

that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good whether with or without you

I just can't beat that.