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Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Weave Down and Fatback for Mr. Charlie: The Return of Casey Jones

Last seen in Fourth and 17, my coworker Casey Jones is back for another IM conversation filled with unusual factoids. The core of this discussion is a mutual co-worker -- a weird girl of African descent with an odd voice, a face like the Grumpy Old Troll on Dora the Explorer and stylistic patterns that are equal part Skid Row Chic and 78th and Western alley. Enjoy.

CJ: I have a funny story.

CJ: so your loopy friend here told me of a date over the weekend.

CJ: for which she prepared the suitor a gourmet meal.

CJ: wanna guess what was served in this gourmet meal?

HT: What was the substance of this gourmet meal?

CJ: oh so this is special.

HT: I suspect toads and thumbscrews

CJ: fried steak. with gristle

HT: *Hannibal cringes in terror*

CJ: gets better

HT: *Fried* ... not grilled.

HT: Classy.

CJ: cheese grits. collard greens with fatback! and black eyed peas and more you guessed it fatback!

HT: You did not just type "fatback."

CJ: oh yes i did

HT: also: who would go out with her? Yowza.

CJ: exactly what i was thinking about who would take her up on the offer

HT: tell me we have photos

CJ: the funniest part is that the story was retold to my boss to illustrate her cooking skills!

HT: Your boss and fatback. Oh my stars and garters.

HT: How has she not gotten fired yet?

CJ: seriously. at least twice a week she IMs to ask if i can clean up one of her messes

HT: Messes of fatback.

CJ: it's stupid stuff. like not approving something for production and being confused why a job didn't post

CJ: back to the fatback dude.

HT: Pictures. Tell me there are pictures.

CJ: so you're a guy. any surprise as to why he didn't take her out?

HT: I must see the man who would quest for those ... Oh. oh, he didn't wanna be seen in public with her ...

CJ: hell to da naw. he came over to get a free meal and dessert that no one will ever know about

HT: Personally, I couldn't imagine anybody eating that "dessert," but I suppose somebody could be that "hungry."

CJ: i've seen a recent object of affection and it's exactly as you would think

HT: The idea of her and anybody canoodling makes me a little queasy.

CJ: also she's exclusively into fraggle rock looking white guys

HT: "fraggle rock looking." That's wonderful.

HT: Sparing the brothers the pain and suffering.

CJ: i called her on that a few weeks ago asked why no brown crayons in the crayola box

HT: Fatback for Mister Charlie, a Lifetime original movie starring Whoopi Goldberg and Ted Danson.

CJ: said she can't find one that fits the physical discription that she's into. some bs about being into "hipsters"

CJ: serious

HT: What brown crayon would "get" into that crayola box?

HT: The carboard looks all raggedy ...

CJ: haha

HT: I could find her a Black hipster dude -- two come to mind immediately -- but they've never done anything that bad to me.

CJ: there you have it

CJ: i was dying when i heard she was showing off her "cooking" to my boss

HT: So are there photos of these mutants, er, love interests she has?

CJ: not that i can find

CJ: i saw one on her desk

HT: That would have made this all complete. I wish your phone's camera wasn't so wack or you could send me a shot of 'em.

HT: Fatback for Mister Charlie. I have officially heard it all now.

CJ: such a mess huh

HT: I'm amused beyond my ability to comprehend.

CJ: does frying somebody steak and putting fatback in their greens count as cooking them dinner or setting them up for a colonic?

CJ: i mean why not just put out doritos and skip the small talk

HT: *Hannibal falls down laughing*

CJ: it was really about getting to dessert. so mission accomplished for both.

HT: In her case, if nausea doesn't occur immediately upon removing her clothes, she should just lead with that.

CJ: jiminy cricket

HT: Too far?

HT: I never know.

CJ: oh to that point today was equally amusing

HT: Go on

CJ: she wore this dress that zippers in the back

CJ: well it's supposed to zipper in the back

HT: *Hannibal stifles vomit*

CJ: instead of doing just that. she put on a cardigan because she couldn't zipper the damn thing up.

HT: Ooh

CJ: i tried to help but when your back fat has to be fissured together to get your clothes on then maybe you should chose a different garment

HT: fissured fatback!

CJ: so she's walking around with her clothes unfastened

CJ: who does that?

HT: Someone who can be used to induce vomiting?

CJ: re damn diculous

HT: Wow

CJ: or someone who should lay off the cheese grits and fried steak

CJ: hannibal seriously if a woman offered to cook you dinner and that was served what would you think of her?

CJ: for real

HT: If I was in an apartment on a date with the person in question, I'd be too busy wondering where my life went wrong.

CJ: lol

HT: The looniest, craziest person I ever boinked could still be taken out in public.

HT: Well, that I bothered to go on a date with anyway.

HT: Not counting hoodrats who I never actually spoke to. But that's not the point right now!

HT: This sounds like that verse about the food from "Rapper's Delight."

CJ: it seems like some hoodrat mess right?

HT: She's too strange to even be a proper hoodrat.

HT: I'd have too many hygiene concerns.

CJ: all that was missing was the tahitian treat

HT: I don't even know what that means.

CJ: you don't remember that stuff? You're of the age.

CJ: it's an old school red beverage served in a can

CJ: it's like if kool aid had a pop top

HT: I was a pretty dedicated kool aid man before I made the snapple switch towards juices.

CJ: extremely hood

CJ: it was tampico before tampico

HT: It sounds vaguely familiar, but we had hot and cold running kool aid at my house. Also: I avoided Tampico like the plague, so if it was like that, I'd have avoided it as well.

CJ: or maybe she would serve the pineapple soda that would be gourmet

HT: Stepping up to Shasta, at that level of classiness.

CJ: what i love is that she has no clue that she has no clue

HT: That's both tragic and funny.

HT: Sometimes all at once.

CJ: this is a 35 year old woman. she should know better.

CJ: if you're inviting a grown man into your home for a meal it shouldn't be one that will kill him

HT: Wait, she's only 35?

HT: I'm *older* than her?

CJ: yes you are

HT: Wow, either I'm holding up really well or she's gone to seed really, really fast.

CJ: oh and here's more comedy.

HT: Go on ...

CJ: last week. a part of her weave fell out somewhere in the building.

HT: Stop.

HT: Stop everything.

HT: Stop.

HT: Weave down?

HT: Weave in distress?

HT: No.

HT: I am not reading this.

HT: Sweet spirit singing.

HT: I need to call somebody in on this.

CJ: weave down!

CJ: dead weave walking

HT: hang on, called in phillip to consult

HT: I'm gonna put on Phillip Jordan(1)

HT: [Phillip reads the whole discussion thus far and then types] yeah...one word...ghetto! thx have a nice day :-D


CJ: if you are gonna be weavalicious. then don't have a busted one

CJ: how does your weave fall out and you don't know until you feel a draft?

CJ: lawd lawd lawd

HT: I'm without words.

HT: Weave down.

HT: Fatback for Mister Charlie.

HT: and "I can't zip my dress."

HT: Is she gonna be a whole week of shows for Tyra?

HT: But yeah, that's some mess right there.

HT: I've got to say your desire to watch train wrecks hit gold when you befriended this sad creature.

HT: Lemme save this chat for my blog.

HT: would you mind?

HT: The Return of Casey Jones.

CJ: g'head

CJ: You talkin bout the weave or fatback part?

HT: The blog will be called "Weave Down and Fatback for Mr. Charlie: The Return of Casey Jones."

HT: It's a classic.

HT: That's the guts right there.

HT: Here I just wanted to help you stay awake, and we got all this happening! Mercy.

HT: Casey!

HT: We need to make a *reality show* about her.

HT: Just following her around. It'll be like Anna Nicole on a budget!

HT: We could get *paid*!

CJ: anna nicole on a budget. You're insane

HT: Hang on, I forgot to ask -- how exactly did you find out that there was a weave emergency?

HT: Follow up question: did she leave work, or just keep rockin' like nothing was wrong?

CJ: i was called over to inspect the outage

HT: Follow up question: was there visible scalp?

CJ: said she thought her neck was drafty

CJ: more like tatters

HT: Casey Jones, weave inspector!

CJ: you membah tatters?

HT: I remember all too well

CJ: like a buncha angry black men with their fists balled up back there

HT: *Hannibal falls down laughing*

HT: Lemme put on my jacket, because that was cold.

CJ: i'm just keepin it real

HT: Is this gonna be a new line of work for you? You'll have a clipboard and a federal mandate?

HT: So did she stay at work like this?

CJ: hannibal if the woman knowingly came to work with her clothes unfastened what do you think?

HT: *Hannibal falls down laughing*

HT: I forgot for a second. Fair enough.

HT: So, was there visible scalp?

CJ: no. just a buncha kitchen mess

HT: That's going in my twitter. "If the woman knowingly came to work with her clothes unfastened, what do you think?

HT: Hilarious.

HT: All right. Weave inspector. Wow.

CJ: i'm only mean when the voices ask me to be

HT: *Hannibal chuckles* That's what I told the parole board too!

HT: Well, look at it this way -- at least you can always count on something to entertain you at work.

CJ: i swear if i was her mother i'd still be giving her whoopins

CJ: makes no damn sense to be so raggedy

HT: Something. Shock therapy. Lobotomy. Some kind of intervention.

Shocked to say, this is a fairly normal conversation. I hope to have photos of the co-worker we now exclusively refer to as "Fatback" after an August 27th staff meeting, but no promises.

Playing (Music): "Keep On Rockin' Me Baby" by the Steve Miller Band

(1) = Phillip Maxwell Jordan is not just a co-worker at my office, but one of the actor's in this fall's Couples Retreat starring Jon Favreau, Malin Ackerman, Jason Bateman and more, so make sure you check that out. He's a Chicago brother to the core, a talented coder, a professional thespian and generally deeply amusing.


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