Dr. Dre is a big fat greedy idiot.

It's important to say that up front. The argument over the proliferation of technology, artist rights versus consumer wants and so on are all largely irrelevant in the long run. History will glance back at the Napster debate, Lars Ulrich, Andre Young and sneer down their evolved snout at us. Therefore, let us begin any discussion of that by acknowledging that Dr. Dre is a big fat pompous greedy idiot who happens to be very musically talented and spends an inordinate amount of time pretending a "gangster" persona he borrowed from people who couldn't get into his current Calabasas neighborhood.

Now, there is an actual intellectual debate that, in the short term, can have massive effects. Napster, a file sharing system based in the fiber optic wires of the internet, is being called the greatest boon to piracy since the cutlass or the Jolly Roger. Hundreds of thousands brave the world wide wilderness every day and pull down songs by the score, and this crime is considered worth dragging college students and 'net users into court.

Who's wearing the white hat? It's difficult to tell -- with all the backroom screwing of pooches and beating of sisters in clubs, every good guy looks a bit suspect. Dr. Dre (Andre Young) claims that Napster and its MP3 swapping kindred are robbing him and other artists of rightfully deserved money. Right next to him stands Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich, crying into his Cristal that he's being robbed by the naughty internet. These two former "underground" artists now stand side by side with Hillary Rosen's band of highwaymen in saying free music is bad and will bankrupt the music industry.

Now, the Hendrix estate wasn't screaming bloody murder when Lars and his boys were playing "Purple Haze" for a couple hundred dirty friends in whatever godless inbred backwater mire screwing loser town they're from. You didn't see George Clinton kicking in the door like the Feds for all the spins Dre and Lonzo Williams (operative note: what up, Lonzo! I'ma call Jerry Doby, honest) were giving to Parliament in World on Wheels before anybody heard of NWA. God knows neither Dre nor Lars were there to save the careers of Skee-Lo or Rubber Rodeo or any of the hordes of acts that got screwed economically and anally by the same RIAA now claiming they are all about "artist rights." (By the way, Dre, did you pay George Lucas for using his THX sound at the start of your latest album yet?)

Not to mention the profits of the music industry are at an all time high. With unprecedented sales of CDs (average cost to produce, reproduce, market and distribute = $2 versus average cost to purchase through retail chains = $17). Record sales have never been this high at any time in the history of spacetime, despite record downloads of digital music for free. Despite some spurious surveys (the San Fran Chronicle said that people who download don't buy music, we found another copy of the survey here), somebody's out there spending that money, buying the fifth and sixth Porsches for Ulrich and Dre.

Let's take a look at the "villains." Starving college students who have to decide between a new CD and a book for class. Considering the alarming proportion of stupid people in the world, for the love of God, let them download a song and read a damned book!

Damage Control cannot claim impartiality here, as we've supported the idea of MP3s burned from CDs acquired both legally and ... well, other ways. We're firmly in the "open source" camp. So are some surprising others.

Chuck D has made a major part of his personal platform the idea of digital music and freedom from the music industry establishment that's made paupers of so many talents already (will somebody please fund a college for Chuck Berry to teach what he knows?) by aligning himself with those wide eyed idealists at Atomic Pop. He's testified before Congress about the viability and inherent logic of digital music, in effect pointing to the idiocy of Dre and Lars. Chuck is all around ready to take it to the next level.

How about Courtney Love? If Dre and Lars can Ebony and Ivory the side of privelege and inequity, how about Courtney and Chuck on the side of a free and open internet, winner-takes-all cage match? She recently released a manifesto on the whole affair, which has aspersions to cast at almost everybody, because she's thinking things out for herself. Her conclusion is that people will pay for quality music.

Congress agrees. After hearing Lars, Chuck and the whole shebang, they kicked it back to the courts, which have traditionally not come down on the side of greater regulation. That's probably good news, because it means you'll be able to grab that Destiny's Child MP3 for a few months more.

The overview here is that MP3 like VCRs decades ago, won't crush an industry built on the work of others. It'll loosen it up some, but overall profits will increase. Dre will continue to fake his way into money, Chuck D's genius will remain unappreciated, and the world will continue to spin. Go download something today, you'll be happy you did. It'll make your eventual switch even easier, and you'll be happier when you wanna buy a mix CD from Damage Control next fall that you'll be able to remix it yourself.

Let us say with no uncertainty that we'd like to see Dre and Lars Ulrich dragged into the streets, stripped naked, dipped in molasses and fire ants, beaten with lost suitcases, pissed on by escaped mental patients and have their mothers insulted by incensed sixth-graders. Their ignorant filthy attack on the Napster users is cowardly and worthy of being smacked. May they all get pus-rot oozing from every orifice on their bodies.

Go MP3!