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Fiction: Another Good Trick That I Know

Posted in 104, bad ideas, blame society, children, creativity, entertainment, fiction, parenting, randomness on May 27th, 2013 by Hannibal Tabu
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i will show you another good trick that i know

I wrote this bit of flash fiction and realized I read a lot of children’s books …

Taking off the stovepipe hat, the huge feline shook himself awkwardly, standing on two legs. The inside of the surveillance van was small, but one of his red-jumpsuited partners bumped into him trying to remove, as he said, “these infernal onesies.”

A shrill tone sounded and the cat reached over and picked up a black satellite phone, extending the antenna to activate it, putting the call on speaker.

“Go for the Doctor,” he said roughly, picking flecks of milk and dried cake from his black fur.

“How’d it go?” the voice on the other end, a woman, asked.

“Pretty good, based on the contact high I got from the hallucinogens we pumped in there,” the cat said, smoothing the white fur on his belly with his gloves. “They believed I was what I looked like, and I’m pretty sure the boy thought his fish was talking when that skeptical little twat Sally kept being a killjoy.”

“You stayed in character and went with it, good,” the woman’s voice said, sounding pleased as the two men in red jump suits took off their wigs. She continued, “But you did the job? Hang on, you sound muffled … are you still wearing that mask?”

Chuckling, the cat pulled at his ears, revealing a pale, balding man with salt and pepper hair in streaks on both sides. “That thing’s comfy from inside, as cold as it is out there. My high was wearing off when the twins were doing their thing, after setting up the taps on data lines outside. While they kept the kids busy, I was able to install the cameras and microphones.”

“Do you think the kids will say anything?” the woman’s voice asked, worried.

“The boys down in psych ops had this right,” the man replied, smirking as he started to unzip his costume. “Nobody would believe a giant cat and two blue haired weirdos in a box were ever here. If they did tell their mom, what evidence could they present? That place is just the way we found it … with our own exceptions.”

“Good, then we should have all the intel we need,” she said, satisfied. “Wrap it up and get back to the safehouse, we need to get you three out of the country tonight.”

“Roger that,” the cat-man said as one of the twins, now dressed as a power company employee, took the driver’s seat. Clicking the phone closed, the cat-man said, “That really is that,” as the van drove into the rainy afternoon.

It really bothered me that the CITH disappeared for so long, and that Sally had no lines.

Coincidentally, I don’t see any reason the cheese should stand alone, either …

Playing (Music): “Panic Switch” by Silversun Pickups

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Life: The Shape Of My Heart

Posted in bad ideas, blame society, family, fatherhood, randomness, shameless pandering, torch-passing on May 20th, 2013 by Hannibal Tabu
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As of this writing, I am at a medical facility, torso covered with electricity-enabled adhesives. I am told that I have a “ventricular arrythmia,” an irregular heartbeat based in the rough neighborhoods of my cardiac city.

WHAT? Yeah, it freaks me out too. I was among the healthiest people I know. No booze, no cigarettes, no red meat. Fairly regular walks and what have you. Fairly low sodium intake. Weird.

On Sunday, I got out of bed to get my youngest some almond milk. I felt my heart beating like it did when the regional spelling bee was on the line, but I had no immediate reason to be nervous. Ignoring it, I went about my day — lugging things down from the attic, packing, parenting, et cetera. Even saw a great Eccleston Doctor Who episode (I’m late to the party). At 11 PM, lying down to sleep, my heart jumped and jagged like a car engine that’s threatening to stall. I asked my wife to put her hand on it, causing her to run for the girls’ stethoscope. “You need to go to the hospital.”

Getting rushed past the waiting crowd was weird, but in I went for chest x-rays, EKGs and more to discover something, somthing that may have been there for years, was awry in the core of me. Something new, past the regular misanthropy and madness.

An overnight stay on atavan gave scant slivers of sleep. An afternoon angiogram is on the agenda, while my non-stop job will have to churn on without me, maybe for a month, if one cardiologist is to be believed.

SERIOUSLY, WHAT????? The bottom line is I’ll be okay. It’s very early detection, it’s “wholly fixable” and everybody here is treating it like a simple instance. I’ll be home with my ladies this weekend.

What’s funniest is that 90 percent of the things they thought would be the cause — smoking, fried foods, drinking, et cetera — were not relevant. My cholesterol and blood pressure are fine. Ditto blood sugar, and there are no signs of infections or foreign biohazards. Only worry — which I absorb through waves of second hand stress from half the people I know — stood as a red flag. I will have to try more exercise to offset the toxic energies floating around me.

Mostly it’s just a random accident of chance, the spin of some cosmic roulette wheel. Funny old life.

JUST IN CASE: There is a mathematically insignificant chance that something untoward might happen to me. If that’s the case, I want all my intellectual property turned over to Chinedum Ofoegbu (my wife has the passwords), and for his work on my work to be overseen by Vince Moore, Geoffrey Thorne and Brandon Easton. Any and all gross profits are to be divided evenly between my daughters, returning 45 percent of said profits to Ofoegbu, Thorne and Easton.

Not that any of us expect this to happen ..

DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! Since 1 AM, a loud chime from a Phillips Intellivibe heart monitr has relentlessly sounded whenever my heart does something unusual, or I think about …

  • my numerous writing deadlines, as I am poised on the precipice of greatness but with little time to achieve it
  • my day job
  • moving
  • money
  • making sure my daughters will be okay
  • making sure my overworked wife will be okay
  • why the end of the modern Battlestar Galactica sucked SO MUCH!

… as it does now. A head-splitting reminder of my inability to relax. 20 percent charge on my iPad, heading for traffic and dye in my arteries, I’m just trying to breathe easily and become still waters, so I can flow to refresh my wife and daughters — and hopefully you — for many decades to come.

… BUT IF ONE WERE SO INCLINED … If you have a jones to do something to help me, you could use the Gumroad link and buy copies of my novels, The Crown: Ascension or Faraway, as most of that money goes right to me (well, right into feeding my kids anyway). If you own it, buy a copy for a friend. All good.

Now, to try to get Netflix going on my phone …

Playing (Music): “I’m Ready” by Tracy Chapman

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