I work with this guy Jere Krischel and he’s completely bonkers. To be fair, so am I, but whatever.
It’s funny — we both went to the same college the same years and never met once. We have wildly disparate viewpoints (he’s a virulently right wing libertarian gun nut anti-carb anti-Hawaiian-sovereignty kook, whereas I’m a relentlessly indifferent nihilistic pan-Afrakan jackass content creation and production machine) but we’re the best of friends, bonding over the work of George Lucas, our relentless ability to produce, several conservative areas of common ground for different reasons (hating the IRS, strict interpretations of the Constitution, et cetera) and a sense of connection on a really basic man level.
Anyway, we have lots of wacky instant messaging chats, sort of like the ones I used to enjoy with my dawg Craig, and here’s one of them, talking about what we’d do if our nice, normal jobs (and opportunities) irrevocably dried up. Sort of …
HT: I’ve been considering exactly how I’d turn to crime
HT: if need be
JK: Well, I also have no doubt that I could support my food and water needs for my family by hunting pigeons in downtown LA
JK: I seriously can’t believe we haven’t seen YouTube video of a homeless guy doing that yet
JK: that’s when I’ll believe people are hungry
HT: Whatever. I imagine something really labyrinthine
HT: … governing with fear and secrecy, like my name was “Ashcroft” or “Cheney.”
JK: You mean like getting a government job?
JK: I vote for EPA regulator. Plenty of opportunity there
HT: I’m looking for something more MIB-ish, like NSA. Vague mandate, guns, flashing lights on my car for skipping traffic, helicopter commute once in a while
JK: That’s what I said, EPA
HT: Secret rendition facilities for troubling co-workers in other countries
HT: can’t get that with the EPA
JK: When the environment is at stake, there is no upper limit on force to use
HT: Too domestic in scope
HT: Can’t cut security lines at the airport
JK: Well, you could invade Mexico.
HT: Too risky. You end up absorbing the people Arizona is trying to keep out.
HT: They can carry concealed
HT: without a license
HT: I know a Fed who hipped me to that bit of info.
JK: They have licenses, and big pockets for bribes
HT: No, seriously, a law passed at the same time as the immigration one that got everybody worked up
HT: concealed carry is now legal in Arizona sans license
HT: More importantly: no limitations on kevlar
HT: Bullets don’t save lives, kevlar saves lives.
JK: The thing with the EPA is that the graft potential is enormous … they get to shake down some of the richest oil companies in the world
JK: Rendition doesn’t get you paid
JK: Threatening Exxon with an endangered titmouse brings in the bucks
HT: You’re really not gonna let that one go, are you?
HT: Also: rendition allows for all kinds of international graft in exotic currencies that are easy to launder
HT: You’ve gotta think bigger, man
JK: Yeah, but the scale is so small…a few million here, a few million there … EPA gets to talk billions, baby
HT: You really do get stuck on one note, don’t you?
JK: But it’s a good note!
JK: Like a James Brown lick that goes on for 5 minutes
JK: “Get on up …Get on up …”
HT: Am I gonna have to get the OBM figures on how much cash moves through the EPA and how much goes through all the black budgets of the NSA?
HT: You wanna compare no-audit defense spending with hippie money?
JK: EPA FY 2011 = 10.020 billion
HT: Off the top of my head, I know that no less than $60 billion went towards vague goals of national security
HT: Yeah, I’ll stick with the gun money
JK: As is well known, CIA’s budget is about $3.1 – $3.2 billion, with over 17,000 personnel.
HT: Aaaah, I didn’t say CIA
JK: The NSA budget is around $3.6 billion
JK: Dude, three times the money in EPA
HT: The “budget”
HT: Not the “black budgets”
HT: which claim that screwdrivers cost $300
JK: Well, these are all estimates …
JK: so they’re estimating the black budget
HT: That’s the wonderful thing about estimates
JK: NSA is small potatoes — they don’t have anyone to shakedown
HT: Which is why their money is so much better — nobody knows what they do with it
HT: and nobody can ask, since it’s “classified”
JK: I’m actually appalled that I’m right about the EPA being funded more than the NSA
HT: On paper.
JK: If a titmouse can’t survive Darwin’s mandate, then it shouldn’t be around anyway
HT: You know I support anything with the word “tit” in it
HT: NSA has access to money from DHS too
JK: Okay, DHS, that just might top EPA
HT: think bigger
JK: 56.3 billion
HT: Thank you
HT: That’s money the NSA feeds off of like a flask in your jacket
HT: here five billion, there five billion — who’ll know?
JK: all those freakin’ screeners hanging around must have crazy ass benefits
HT: they have Wal-Mart benefits
HT: Do you really think DHS is putting 56.3 billion into training those guys at the airport?
JK: Well, they have a breakdown that talks millions … I’m looking for the big numbers now
HT: look on
JK: Coast Guard Asset Recapitalization: A total of $1.4B
HT: black budget
JK: National Cyber Security Center (NCSC): A total of $10M
HT: black budget
HT: nobody knows what that is
JK: Disaster Relief Fund (DRF): The budget seeks funding of $1.95B
HT: that might be credible
JK: ah, disaster relief might be a good gig
HT: that one may just be badly managed, but actually intended for something
JK: may be?
JK: the whole point of racking up billions of dollars of expenses is being badly managed
HT: and too much media scrutiny to get yourself a sweet yacht
JK: Grants: A total of $4B is requested for grant programs to support our nation’s first responders
JK: The biggest chunk is CBP – whatever that is
HT: … don’t screw with that
HT: that’s fireman/cop money. Let it be mismanaged, but swipe any for a secret prison in Turkey and all hell will break loose
JK: U.S. Customs and Border Protection
HT: another black budget
HT: and nobody knows where you are most of the time
HT: no metrics for success
JK: wait, that’s MIMCO! [NOTE: Jere and I work at MIMCO, a Major Integrated Managed Care Organzation -- not hard to figure which one if you look hard enough]
HT: If that is our job, we aren’t doing it well enough …
Here’s hoping I don’t almost get fired over his lunacy. Again.
Playing (Music): “1901″ by Phoenixcia, epa, exxon, government waste, nsa, oil spill, rendition