| operative network | writing archive: columns - reviews - interviews - features

hannibal tabu's column archive

Blog Fu: The 36th Chamber of Shaolin

Posted in business, history, music, science, society, sports, technology, warfare on July 30th, 2009 by Hannibal Tabu

“… if you ain’t hip to the rare house quake, shut up, already … damn!”

- I’ve been increasingly concerned about increases in the crazification factor of people wandering around in what I indulgently will refer to as “western society.” I’ve read recently about a 23-year-old pregnant woman found dead with (hang on) the baby cut out of her stomach.

Then there’s the Texas death row inmate convicted of stabbing his wife and baby to death, ripping their hearts out, and while waiting for his first trial (brace yourself) plucking out his own right eye and eating it before being considered “clearly ‘crazy,’ but he is also ’sane’ under Texas law,” or so Judge Cathy Cochran wrote in a 14-page statement accompanying the court’s brief order. Worst of all, he was Black. Like we needed that on our tally …

Speaking of Texas, don’t forget the woman who dismembered her newborn baby with a knife and two swords (wouldn’t expect a baby to put up that much of a fight) before eating parts of his body and brain before failing to kill herself.

Oddly enough, the one that bothered me the most is the 51-year-old mother who took her teenaged son hiking, waited until he was looking at scenery and then shot him to death, first in the head and then in the chest before eating a bullet herself. This after methodically disposing of a family pet, calmly buying the gun and composing a lengthy suicide note … that gave no reason why the boy had to die.

Now, anybody who’s ever read my work can attest to the fact that I have no overly sentimental attachment to life, human or otherwise. Death happens. I don’t think it’s a big deal. I once told someone that the only crime I couldn’t get my brain around was rape. Theft, sure, all day, makes sense, get yours. Murder? Well, yeah, there are times I can see people considering that the best choice. But these killings … I don’t get it. I’m nowhere near crazy enough to see the line of thinking that leads to these behaviors. Moreover, with the eye guy (who looks strangely like he could be related to Chris Brown, IMNSHO), the amount of focus you have to have to block out the make-you-pass-out levels of pain from plucking out your own eye, and then staying conscious through the shock and bleeding long enough to eat it … that’s the stuff of nightmares, in my mind. All this “oh, some people got shot” or “she ran them down with her car” stuff is pansy by comparison. I can’t even write stuff this bananas. So that’s been haunting me for a few days …

- At least they didn’t have sex with a horse … repeatedly.

- In completely unrelated news, UCLA will no longer allow the three-times-a-year Undie Run. This “tradition” started after I was long done with college, and involved the students of Cal State Westwood to boot, so I’d never even gotten close to it. But it seemed like a fun and largely harmless thing (what’s a few arrests, assaults and a burglary between friends?), so I’m almost sad to see it go in that it makes the city marginally less whimsical.

- Back to people getting killed, this at least made me laugh like a silly bastard: Cracked’s Five Real Life Soldiers Who Make Rambo Look Like a P***y. The Finnish sniper was fantastic, but the 19-year-old Yogreva Singh Yadav and US candidates Alvin York and Audie Murphy just made me giggle like a schoolgirl on E. All the fancy training, all the skills one can amass, and the second you find somebody who wants it more and catches you at the right time, boom, you’re in a bag. Ask those Soviet or Pakistani or German soldiers. Hilarity.

- Apparently, due to science and da intanet and what have you, women are getting statistically more beautiful in the US while men remain pretty much as we always were. Yeah, okay. I’ve got no argument there.

- How cool is the idea of transparent aluminum? Aside from the idea of a wrap you can cook in and see through, it apparently “created is a completely new state of matter nobody has seen before,” said Oxford University Department of Physics Professor Justin Wark. “Transparent aluminium is just the start. The physical properties of the matter we are creating are relevant to the conditions inside large planets, and we also hope that by studying it we can gain a greater understanding of what is going on during the creation of ‘miniature stars’ created by high-power laser implosions, which may one day allow the power of nuclear fusion to be harnessed here on Earth.” Now that’s cool.

- I don’t need to go into the Skip Gates thing — I’ve long said Yankee Black folk are way too comfortable with their fancy “freedom,” and need to be more strategic. No, I’m more bothered by the Nuttworld case where a Black man got hit in the face by a piece of wood-wielding white guy on a Bay Area street, and the eyewitness didn’t think to report it. Plus le change, plus le meme chose, fool.

- I am bothered, however, by how often I have to tell Black people that the great pyramids were not and could not have been built by slaves. Let alone that the only large influx of people into dynastic Egypt (Kemet) were not poor desert wanderers looking for freedom, but bloodthirsty invaders, so quash that theory as well. From non-Black people, this seems fairly predictable in a sad, mass-media-and-Charlton-Heston-influenced way. From Black people? It’s a tragedy, IMNSHO, to have so little regard for your own roots. Admittedly, this was an area of fairly intensive study for me, but still …

- Speaking of Africa, I’m consistently bothered by the fact that the continent is apparently connected to the net via an extension cord looped through the Nigerian equivalent of Pookie’s back window, especially because of how often it stops working. I need to find out what’s at the “good” end of that cable, and it’s hard to do since the official site looks like it was coded in 1997. Oy.

- Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not really out to get you. A military coup planned by Dubya’s granddad? Scientologists raiding the IRS? Explosion-proof Hitler? Cracked also noted seven insane conspiracies that actually happened including the tragic fate of Guy Fawkes (one day, I wanna write an alternative history story where he succeeded).

- Foxes in Germany steal shoes — pass it on.

- To celebrate his induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame, please enjoy the wit and wisdom of Rickey Henderson.

- I need to check out Street Sweeper Social Club, which is made up of Rage Against The Machine’s Tom Morello and the illustrious and praiseworthy leader of The Coup, Boots Riley. There’s also a new free song for download I wanna check out from Goapele.

- I guess this and this mean I’m never gonna get the $200 I was owed from that Luniz review I did while Jesse Washington was editor.

- I love taking a nap.

- To be honest, I don’t have a lot of the so-called 100 Essential Skills for Geeks … but I know some people who do. Those people are extraordinarily useful to know.

That’s more than enough for now, and my blog-fu file still has literally hundreds of links. Whee!

Playing (Music): “Cornbread” by Freestyle Fellowship

Post to Twitter

This Is Where It All Started From

Posted in awesomeness on July 19th, 2009 by Hannibal Tabu

The Hundred and Four* will, among many other purposes, serve as an information clearinghouse. The ancient art of blog-fu helps with that, practiced by many but mastered by few, and which I practiced for years aggregating content for CBR’s Comic Reel column (now run by the illustrious and praiseworthy Erik Amaya, who I did my best to train in the Sith ways).

Let us begin with a quote from the brilliant but cancelled TV show Kings (much beloved of Entertainment Weekly’s Marc Bernardin)** …

Jessie Shepherd: “People with destinies, things don’t go well for them. They die old and unhappy, or young and unfinished.”

Are you sitting comfortably? Good, then I’ll begin:

- Let’s start with some news about living in the future. Like what? How about a computer that can read lips, which is a wonderful advance for all the Big Brother/Dick Cheney wet dreams of capturing information that wants to be free?

Not far enough for you? How about scientists creating a star right here on earth? Yes, that sounds outlandishly unsafe, but that’s probably part of the appeal. Kind of a Venkman and Spengler sort of thing, doncha think?***

Why there’s even practice for a mission to Mars, because so many of us are desperate to get away from this potentially godforsaken rock that people are lining up to take a ride even close to space? Perhaps they can see the writing on the wall about how it will all end**** and are trying to plan ahead like a macro-scale game of Civilization 2. Hard to say.

- Let’s move on. Remember Friendster? Few people do.***** The numbers seem to indicate that MySpace is learning some hard lessons about obsolescence. Sure, 70 million users is far from chicken feed, but trends being what they are … in my own limited experience, I’m seeing more young people return to or adhere to MySpace (judging from the customers at bars where I host karaoke — more on that in a bit******) whereas more adults in their late 20s and onwards are Facebooking it up. Twitter? It plays by no rules I’ve seen (with its tools for power users, artists using it as an alternative revenue stream and even ways to share music, plus everybody knows I love Twitpic), and in my own idiosyncratic experiences, has kept the annoying outages to a dull roar.

Anyway, Rupert Murdoch-powered MySpace soon afterwards announced a big staffing cut, which makes MySpace look like a wounded elephant. Only important because our virtual homes are becoming more of where we spend our lives and interact, so looking at the management becomes relevant for a grasp of the zeitgeist. Developing …

- Speaking of battling multi-million dollar companies, Google is ready to get into the OS game and Micro$oft strikes back with a web-based, free Office option. Whaaaat? It’s all true.

Google’s hippie PR and egalitarian image belies a corporate juggernaut, but one far less obvious and mean-spirited in its rapaciousness than the rowdies in Redmond. As a lifelong Mac evangelist*******, any attack on the House that Gates Built, Stole and Oppressed His Way Into******** gets a cheer from me, and this fight is a battle for the way people think digitally, so it’s surely worth keeping an eye on.

- Fnord.

- What else is up? Well, of course that Philadelphia swimming pool incident proved that, Obama or not, plus le change, plus le meme chose (or as Talib Kweli once said, “conditions in the hood don’t change with the president”). Racism? Discrimination? Prejudice? Alive and well even far from the fields of Dixie. One has to look no farther than the Inglewood police department (which, fun fact, is in a predominantly Black city, ha ha, funny old life) to see that in action every single day. Thanks to Boston’s Dart Adams for the heads up on that.

- Don’t think about escaping into music, pal. Not when those bastards at the RIAA wanna fine a 32-year-old single mother eighty thousand dollars a song for downloading. What’s the total on that? Brace yourself — one point nine two millon US freaking dollars. That had to be typed out so it’d be clear that the number of zeroes wasn’t a typo. On a daily basis, you can see LAPD cops running red lights sans sirens or not using hands free devices to speak on cell phones as they drive. But they have more guns than you. Bend over and relax your muscles, it’s easier that way.

- To quote the erstwhile Blade, “bu-bu-bu-but wait, it gets worse!” In “fan fiction goes horribly, horribly wrong” news, Eli Stone visionary and Green Lantern scriptwriter Marc Guggenheim is — wait for it — writing a new comic book for Dynamite Entertainment — brace yourself — based on Galactica 1980.

Get up off the floor. Yes, you read that correctly. This is really happening. Yes, someone thinks this is a good idea. Spirit help us all, yes, someone will probably buy this. What’s next, a comic book adaptation of Hell Comes to Frogtown by Robert Kirkman? Listen, people — some things just need to die. I know we all love the nostalgia wave … well, some of us. Anyway, some things don’t need to come back.

If Guggenheim creates a work of such awe-inspiring wonder that Eisner Awards will cloud around it like a butterfly crown,********* I will let Marc Guggenheim punch me in the stomach. Chances are, this is a catastrophically bad idea, even in the hands of a writer as skilled as this one. Oy.

- “Damn, Hannibal, you’re awfully negative!” Actually, no I’m not. I have a beautiful pregnant wife and an adorable, brilliant stepdaughter. I have a job where I make good money and I’m good at it. I even recently closed a deal to bring one of my novels to life as a comic book and possibly an animated project as well. Despite a lot more gray hairs than I ever expected and quite possibly being clinically insane, I am essentially fine and dandy.********** The rest of you seem to be almost irreparably f***ed up. Don’t blame me as I hold up a mirror to your lunacy.

How do I illustrate the new wonder of me, the one that makes so many so sick to see me so fly that NASA calls me for directions? I do it by sharing love, with all of you. How do I do that? With karaoke Skeletor drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon (thanks to Robot 6 for that one). I give you the opposite of gangsta. With you I share the statistics of red shirts, give you a peek at the awesomeness of a Death Star grill and let you know about the world’s largest air sex competition.

I’m a giver. It’s not my fault so many of you are cuckoo for crack-o-puffs.

In the end, who should you blame? I believe this*********** closes the book on that discussion.

Behave.

Or else.

FOOTNOTES:

* = Yes, I will bold the name everywhere. That’s consistency of style. Learn it, live it, love it.

** = It’s kind of scary how gay he is for that show.

*** = Yes, Ghostbusters 3 is happening, and you probably can’t do anything to stop it. I’m sorry. Well, I would be, if I cared. Maybe.

**** = Would you have preferred accelerated heat death instead?

***** = Go on, Google “love” and “friendster.” It’s sad.

****** = Maybe not today. Maybe not even on this blog. But soon.

******* = My 15″ Macbook Pro is called, by virtually everyone who knows it, “the precious.”

******** = Please don’t forget that the entire Windows OS is stolen from an early build of Mac OS, and then bloatwared to death. After Microsoft Word 5.1, that company hasn’t done a single thing right.

********* = Like that call back to Kings? That’s how you do it. However, whenever I see the show, I think in my brain, “have you ever seen a kingdom with a butter fly crown? Rulin’ is a habit, get like me …” Hm … maybe I shouldn’t tell people these things.

********** = Si se puede. Universal paradigm shift. Choose joy. Patent pending.

*********** = Anedge hirak Michael Joseph Jackson.

Post to Twitter

Blog Fu: Iron Monkey

Posted in blog fu, culture, facebook, friendster, galactica 1980, kings, myspace, politics, red shirt, riaa, technology, twitter on July 19th, 2009 by Hannibal Tabu

The Hundred and Four* will, among many other purposes, serve as an information clearinghouse. The ancient art of blog-fu helps with that, practiced by many but mastered by few, and which I practiced for years aggregating content for CBR’s Comic Reel column (now run by the illustrious and praiseworthy Erik Amaya, who I did my best to train in the Sith ways).

Let us begin with a quote from the brilliant but cancelled TV show Kings (much beloved of Entertainment Weekly’s Marc Bernardin)** …


Jessie Shepherd: “People with destinies, things don’t go well for them. They die old and unhappy, or young and unfinished.”

Are you sitting comfortably? Good, then I’ll begin:

- Let’s start with some news about living in the future. Like what? How about a computer that can read lips, which is a wonderful advance for all the Big Brother/Dick Cheney wet dreams of capturing information that wants to be free?

Not far enough for you? How about scientists creating a star right here on earth? Yes, that sounds outlandishly unsafe, but that’s probably part of the appeal. Kind of a Venkman and Spengler sort of thing, doncha think?***

Why there’s even practice for a mission to Mars, because so many of us are desperate to get away from this potentially godforsaken rock that people are lining up to take a ride even close to space? Perhaps they can see the writing on the wall about how it will all end**** and are trying to plan ahead like a macro-scale game of Civilization 2. Hard to say.

- Let’s move on. Remember Friendster? Few people do.***** The numbers seem to indicate that MySpace is learning some hard lessons about obsolescence. Sure, 70 million users is far from chicken feed, but trends being what they are … in my own limited experience, I’m seeing more young people return to or adhere to MySpace (judging from the customers at bars where I host karaoke — more on that in a bit******) whereas more adults in their late 20s and onwards are Facebooking it up. Twitter? It plays by no rules I’ve seen (with its tools for power users, artists using it as an alternative revenue stream and even ways to share music, plus everybody knows I love Twitpic), and in my own idiosyncratic experiences, has kept the annoying outages to a dull roar.

Anyway, Rupert Murdoch-powered MySpace soon afterwards announced a big staffing cut, which makes MySpace look like a wounded elephant. Only important because our virtual homes are becoming more of where we spend our lives and interact, so looking at the management becomes relevant for a grasp of the zeitgeist. Developing …

- Speaking of battling multi-million dollar companies, Google is ready to get into the OS game and Micro$oft strikes back with a web-based, free Office option. Whaaaat? It’s all true.

Google’s hippie PR and egalitarian image belies a corporate juggernaut, but one far less obvious and mean-spirited in its rapaciousness than the rowdies in Redmond. As a lifelong Mac evangelist*******, any attack on the House that Gates Built, Stole and Oppressed His Way Into******** gets a cheer from me, and this fight is a battle for the way people think digitally, so it’s surely worth keeping an eye on.

- Fnord.

- What else is up? Well, of course that Philadelphia swimming pool incident proved that, Obama or not, plus le change, plus le meme chose (or as Talib Kweli once said, “conditions in the hood don’t change with the president”). Racism? Discrimination? Prejudice? Alive and well even far from the fields of Dixie. One has to look no farther than the Inglewood police department (which, fun fact, is in a predominantly Black city, ha ha, funny old life) to see that in action every single day. Thanks to Boston’s Dart Adams for the heads up on that.

- Don’t think about escaping into music, pal. Not when those bastards at the RIAA wanna fine a 32-year-old single mother eighty thousand dollars a song for downloading. What’s the total on that? Brace yourself — one point nine two millon US freaking dollars. That had to be typed out so it’d be clear that the number of zeroes wasn’t a typo. On a daily basis, you can see LAPD cops running red lights sans sirens or not using hands free devices to speak on cell phones as they drive. But they have more guns than you. Bend over and relax your muscles, it’s easier that way.

- To quote the erstwhile Blade, “bu-bu-bu-but wait, it gets worse!” In “fan fiction goes horribly, horribly wrong” news, Eli Stone visionary and Green Lantern scriptwriter Marc Guggenheim is — wait for it — writing a new comic book for Dynamite Entertainment — brace yourself — based on Galactica 1980.

Get up off the floor. Yes, you read that correctly. This is really happening. Yes, someone thinks this is a good idea. Spirit help us all, yes, someone will probably buy this. What’s next, a comic book adaptation of Hell Comes to Frogtown by Robert Kirkman? Listen, people — some things just need to die. I know we all love the nostalgia wave … well, some of us. Anyway, some things don’t need to come back.

If Guggenheim creates a work of such awe-inspiring wonder that Eisner Awards will cloud around it like a butterfly crown,********* I will let Marc Guggenheim punch me in the stomach. Chances are, this is a catastrophically bad idea, even in the hands of a writer as skilled as this one. Oy.

- “Damn, Hannibal, you’re awfully negative!” Actually, no I’m not. I have a beautiful pregnant wife and an adorable, brilliant stepdaughter. I have a job where I make good money and I’m good at it. I even recently closed a deal to bring one of my novels to life as a comic book and possibly an animated project as well. Despite a lot more gray hairs than I ever expected and quite possibly being clinically insane, I am essentially fine and dandy.********** The rest of you seem to be almost irreparably f***ed up. Don’t blame me as I hold up a mirror to your lunacy.

How do I illustrate the new wonder of me, the one that makes so many so sick to see me so fly that NASA calls me for directions? I do it by sharing love, with all of you. How do I do that? With karaoke Skeletor drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon (thanks to Robot 6 for that one). I give you the opposite of gangsta. With you I share the statistics of red shirts, give you a peek at the awesomeness of a Death Star grill and let you know about the world’s largest air sex competition.

I’m a giver. It’s not my fault so many of you are cuckoo for crack-o-puffs.

In the end, who should you blame? I believe this*********** closes the book on that discussion.

Behave.

Or else.

FOOTNOTES:

* = Yes, I will bold the name everywhere. That’s consistency of style. Learn it, live it, love it.

** = It’s kind of scary how gay he is for that show.

*** = Yes, Ghostbusters 3 is happening, and you probably can’t do anything to stop it. I’m sorry. Well, I would be, if I cared. Maybe.

**** = Would you have preferred accelerated heat death instead?

***** = Go on, Google “love” and “friendster.” It’s sad.

****** = Maybe not today. Maybe not even on this blog. But soon.

******* = My 15″ Macbook Pro is called, by virtually everyone who knows it, “the precious.”

******** = Please don’t forget that the entire Windows OS is stolen from an early build of Mac OS, and then bloatwared to death. After Microsoft Word 5.1, that company hasn’t done a single thing right.

********* = Like that call back to Kings? That’s how you do it. However, whenever I see the show, I think in my brain, “have you ever seen a kingdom with a butter fly crown? Rulin’ is a habit, get like me …” Hm … maybe I shouldn’t tell people these things.

********** = Si se puede. Universal paradigm shift. Choose joy. Patent pending.

*********** = Anedge hirak Michael Joseph Jackson.

Post to Twitter


| writing & web work | personal site | writing archive | contact |





the operative network is a hannibal tabu joint.
all code, text, graphics, intellectual property, content and data
available via the URL "www.operative.net"
are copyright The Operative Network, LLC 2003,
and freaked exclusively by hannibal tabu


accessing any of these pages signifies compliance
with the terms of use, dig it
.